Chapter Eight: Everything Is Fine (Except It’s Not)

Hell is personal.

Gabriel’s words wouldn’t leave. They just… repeated. Guilt with a megaphone.

As if this whole thing wasn’t surreal enough.

Was Gabriel really here for therapy?
Or was he here for me?. I couldn’t help wandering if I'd see him again.

I couldn't fake it for one more client. Not today. Maybe not ever.
But this is Hell. No breaks. No out. Just the next face at the door. And still, I know I haven’t faced the worst one yet.

I felt it build. The lump in my throat. The sting behind my eyes.
And then it just… broke.
No drama. Just water and heat.
I didn’t even try to stop it.

The crying stopped eventually. The noise didn’t.

An IT gargoyle turned up to update the system. Said nothing. Walked straight through me and started ripping out cables, eating USB sticks like popcorn.

I had this wild thought in my head, I'll ask what exactly its doing and how long its going to be.

Instant regret.

With rage and fire it screamed “UPDATING THE SYSTEM, IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES. OK”

Sure, I took myself out the room whilst it scurried around swearing to itself and throwing hard disks at the wall.

I went for a walk down the fiery halls, trying to avoid the heil krishners led by the Fuhrer himself, chanting the mantra and banging that bloody drum.

Kat stormed out of a room, slammed the door hard enough to shake the wall, and caught my eye.

She didn’t speak. Didn’t need to.
That one glance carried years of things we never said.
A huff. Then she was gone, heels snapping like gunshots down the corridor.

I didn’t want to care.
But God, I did.
I wanted to run after her. Say something.
Rescue her. Or at least explain why I never could.

I ran round a corner too fast. Opened a door without thinking.
Slipped inside, breath heaving. Back against the door.
Trying to breathe.
Trying not to break again.

I found myself in a dimly lit room, quiet and dusty.

“Hello”

“Christ, warn someone next time. I’ve don’t have much more soul left to lose.”

Summer Moondance was sitting cross-legged on the floor. Calm. Like she’s been there all day.

“What are you doing here?”

“Avoiding people”

“You’re… chipper. How the hell are you chipper? how do you stand it here? the admin, the meetings, the unmotivation posters, the bloody lava lamps? I could go on.”

Summer looked confused.

“Admin? Oh. I Love admin”

“You love.......admin?”

“Filing calms me. Deadlines give me purpose, I just don't have that here.”

I look at her thinking I must have banged my head.

“So, you don’t do admin, you don’t have 4000 hours of continued professional development to do?, supervision or client notes?”

“Oh my god, I wish, that would be dreamy, I loved that about my job”

“It’s the noise, the people. The constant group work. I’m socially anxious. This place is torture. Day and Night. I found this little room by accident and its a moment of peace”

I am wildly confused by this, and slightly irritated she loves admin and I hate it, yet she doesn’t have to do any of it, and yet she still feels the torture.

I paused for a moment as my brain tried to figure things out.

Hang on.

This place isn't just Hell.

Its my Hell.

The posters. The therapy groups.
The awkward supervision.
The lava lamp.

None of it’s random.
It’s me.

Even Kat. Especially Kat.

None of it’s random. It’s me

It’s not punishment.
This is projection. Hell is just all your unresolved shit.

“So, why are you here Summer? you seem so nice”

“I had a lot of cats” she says softly “they were very loud”

.

.

.

.

“And now I'm here”

at that point I left, I was shaking, this idea, I couldn’t shift it, planted in my head. I walked back to my office The lava lamp gurgled. Like it knew. Like it had been waiting.

Mike’s admin nightmare becomes, well, nightmarish. Chapter 9 on its way soon…

All previous chapters are posted in this section: To Hell With Therapy